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Happy birthday to you, happy birthday.
What are you doing?
Well, it's your birthday.
You mustn't.
Why?
If Ozzak found out it's my birthday, something terrible would happen.
He'd start celebrating.
Oh God.
But we could at least clink glasses.
Absolutely not.
The clinking of glasses carries 300 meters.
Something's being celebrated.
There's a cake in the back.
For the mice.
For the rats.
It has lit candles on it.
So they can see it.
Little Pepicek Zima was here.
Two blue balloons went out to town, holding hands together like a bride and groom.
Ugh.
So dad is terrified that after all these years it'll slip out and there'll be a party again.
I wish I could have a birthday too.
Everyone has a birthday, Sasa.
Mom says birthdays aren't a right, they're a privilege.
Really?
So Lexa and I are only allowed to have them when we're exceptionally good.
Which we haven't been for a very long time.
Iva, aren't you afraid of banana snakes?
What?
Mom would rather not even buy bananas because of them, they're super dangerous.
I see.
And how exactly are they dangerous?
Very.
Even more than nuclear scorpions and those poisonous beetles that live in chocolate.
Sure.
When is bro's birthday?
Who, dad?
In winter.
You don't remember the last party?
I remember the outdoor patios were open and hops were blooming.
Well, because it was an exceptionally warm winter.
I also remember that at that party you still had absolutely no boobs.
Hey, watch it.
Sorry, breasts.
I'm bad with dates and I'm afraid I'll miss it.
Iva, you'd tell me about the birthday, right?
I've got an awesome present for bro.
Well, Strida, dad won't have a birthday for a long time yet.
How come?
Normally a person has a birthday once, maybe twice a year, right?
Lexa and I haven't had one in eight years.
Eight?
I don't know if my present will last that long.
Damn, I'd have to bury it in the garden.
Anyway, until then I need to take really good care of it.
That's fruit, right?
You eat fruit?
Not really.
If bro asks, I'm not in the basement.
I really don't like this one bit.
Iva, are you sure they'd tell you about the birthday?
It's just that I saw Mamba downstairs in the shop with a bottle and two glasses.
Well, she's been hitting the bottle a bit lately.
Great, maybe you could make a decent person out of her.
So in the end I wasn't even lying.
She must have been allergic to vanilla.
I can't explain it any other way.
She probably swallowed a candle.
Don't worry about it, Marcelka.
I've gotten used to the fact that I'll never celebrate my birthday like a normal person again.
Just because of Ozzak?
Just?
Can you imagine what it's like when Ozzak gives someone presents?
Or when he organizes the kidnapping of the birthday boy?
The idea that your brother would organize anything is absurd in itself.
What's absurd is waking up in Poprad with a bear lying next to you.
Oh my God.
I wanted to sneak away, but Bruno wanted me to stay.
Bruno?
And the bear was Ozzak's main present.
Not counting the concert by the band Blitka.
Now do you understand why I've been keeping my birthday secret for five years?
Just tell him to give you something normal.
I don't know.
Shaving cream, slippers, or a book?
According to Ozzak, shaving cream is for women, slippers are a venereal disease, and the only books he recognizes are three.
The Encyclopedia of Beer, Home Brewing, and Kaja Marik.
We already have all of those.
Dad, Ozzak suspects something.
And he apparently already has a present.
Oh God, how do you know?
Did he tell you what it is?
No, but he took bananas and went to the basement.
Oh God, it's going to be a monkey.
What do we do?
I'll check the internet to see if all the gorillas at Prague Zoo are accounted for, and if Ozzak asks if you're boozing, tell him yes.
Bro, come here, sit down.
Sit next to me.
I was thinking we haven't been seeing much of each other lately.
We saw each other this morning at the shop.
I know, but when do we ever have time to just talk in peace?
I don't even know how you're doing right now.
What do you do all day?
Always in that basement.
You saw me in the basement?
No, but the super said you're always down there.
I'm not.
At most I walk around.
Around where?
Just around.
Just around the basement?
Well.
You're not hiding anything there, are you?
No.
Where exactly?
In the basement.
I never go there.
I think you're lying.
I think you haven't had a birthday in a long time.
Well, appearances can be deceiving.
My point exactly.
Fine.
Want some?
Thanks, bro, they'll come in handy.
For what?
For eating?
Until recently you thought you play billiards with those.
Since then I've read up on it a lot.
The Encyclopedia of Beer?
No, in Kaja Marik.
Select variety, huh?
When you combine it with beer, it's a balanced diet.
Wait, you also read that in Kaja Marik?
No, in the Encyclopedia of Beer.
Where are you going?
To the basement.
Absolutely not.
I just need to get something from the basement, it's locked, and the keys aren't on the hook.
That's why I keep walking around.
Hi, auntie.
I need to discuss something with you.
Privately.
Sasa, honey, can you watch this for me?
The pea soup, sure, mom.
Bring your lunch with you, okay?
I'm here about dad's birthday.
Oh right, of course.
It totally slipped my mind.
You know, it's always hectic here.
But I'm looking forward to it.
Last time in Poprad it was great.
Wasn't that a long time ago?
No.
I have a feeling the kids weren't born yet.
Or maybe I wasn't taking motherhood so seriously back then?
Just hectic.
Right.
What about Ozzak?
Is he planning anything?
No.
And he won't be.
How come?
Are the guys from Blitka still locked up?
I don't know.
What I do know is that Ozzak won't even find out about the birthday.
From anyone.
Won't that be a shame?
No.
Alright, so Tomas and Bruno didn't get along.
That can just happen between a person and a bear.
But he could have given him a second chance.
You think?
Definitely.
He definitely shouldn't have bolted from the bed.
He could have danced with him like I did.
He definitely danced better than Lexa.
This year there won't be any dancing.
After all, it's in your interest too.
What do you mean?
Exactly what I said.
If Ozzak found out about dad's birthday from someone, the twins might find out something from someone else.
Like, that parents give their kids an allowance?
Perhaps.
Or that they can also have birthdays.
I guess I'll have to keep an eye on you, won't I?
Careful you haven't bitten off more than you can chew, little girl.
Remember you're talking to someone who managed to get Easter celebrations banned as early as Good Friday.
Sasa, are you cheating again?
It's not my fault, I can't shoo them away.
This seems like nonsense to me.
But Mr. Pacovsky, if it's on the Prague Zoo website, it can't be a fake.
What is it?
Lexa is helping me identify my birthday present.
You were in the basement?
Yeah.
It's locked and there are strange sounds coming from behind the door.
Like smacking and sloshing.
I recorded it on my phone.
That doesn't sound like a monkey or a bear.
Maybe it's something harmless.
Maybe a sea lion.
Blue whale.
What on earth is that?
Pampaliny.
An app for identifying animal sounds.
A pretty confused one though.
Sometimes it says it's a blue whale, sometimes an anteater.
A blue whale?
That's obviously nonsense, isn't it?
I think so too, how would Mr. Ozzak sneak one past the super.
Why would he give dad an anteater?
Why would he give me a bear?
He said that when you were little, he promised you a guinea pig.
So he gave it to you with interest.
Did you by any chance want an anteater as a kid?
Who wouldn't?
You always wanted an elephant.
Which Ozzak must never, ever find out.
Tomas!
I found it.
Mojmir Mehoncak?
A specialist in wild animal capture?
Ivuska, so?
Did you check the zoo?
Yeah, they were all accounted for.
Except Richard.
Oh God, that's the big gray one that looks like our super?
But Pampaliny didn't identify it as a monkey.
Pampaliny couldn't tell a monkey from an anteater.
Oh please.
Sis, do a monkey impression.
Orange-headed thrush.
Turn that off immediately.
Please, can none of you do a monkey impression?
See!
Mamba, careful with the booze, or it'll burn your throat.
Come, sit down here, otherwise you'll keel over.
Today's your...
Birthday.
No!
Yes!
Is it true?
Can you believe it?
They kept it from us.
Both of us.
Kept it secret?
Luckily I found out at the pub, but I won't say from whom.
Alright, bro, come on.
Go to your room like a good boy, we need to make plans here.
So?
Does anyone have anything prepared?
That's what I thought.
Well then.
I'll go to Pankrac now to find out if the guys from Blitka are out of jail.
Ivuska, run to the corner across the street, to that Vietnamese guy, apparently he's got fantastic fireworks from somewhere in Iraq.
We won't make it for a cake, I bought tripe.
Hey, Strida, you know last time...
I know, last time it was kind of stale.
I feel like the bear had the best time.
But this year it'll be different!
So at 6 o'clock I want everyone here in formation.
The present will be given.
Call them!
So what's the hold-up?
There's no hold-up.
Everything's fine.
Dad is locked in his room, Marcelka is looking for an animal capture service, and the two of us
have a moment to ourselves.
Sasa, Lexa, I've already told you how birthdays work.
That they happen once a year with a party and a cake.
Yeah, that's how almost everyone has it.
Exactly.
But we Adventists of the Eighteenth Birthday do it differently.
Adventists of what?
Adventists of the Eighteenth Birthday, it's a church we belong to.
You belong to some kind of church?
So you can't have cake or a party?
Sure we can, when we turned sixteen we bought mom a cake and sang her a song.
Just two more years, just two more years, until we leave home, happy birthday, mom.
So that should do it, right?
Mehoncak is at the basement.
Where's Tomas?
Are you sure there's only one creature in there?
He says "present," not "presents."
It's a monkey, right?
Definitely not.
This looks more like a blue whale.
A huge one?
A small one.
And how big is a small blue whale?
Big.
But that basement is only two by two meters.
Is it damp?
No.
Then it could only be an anteater.
That's absurd.
Do you have ants in the building?
There aren't any.
There you go.
But the brother was bringing fruit down there.
That's how it's done.
You lure the ants with it.
What do we do?
Break down the door?
Have you ever seen a furious anteater?
Right now it has just a little snout.
It may be toothless, but it has a devilishly sticky tongue.
On an exchange trip in Chile, one ripped a hair off my eyelid.
And my colleague Lada...
I'd rather not even talk about it.
You know what?
You slowly unlock it and I'll lure it out.
But the brother has the keys and refuses to hand them over.
But he'll come to pick up the animal soon.
How tall is he at the withers?
The anteater?
The brother.
That could work.
If he doesn't crouch too much, I won't mix them up.
Well, we'd better go.
It'll be better this way.
Lada!
To you.
And to your mustache.
Mehoncak.
Ozzak.
Sticky wanderer.
Everything's set up.
Bro, you're going to have a birthday you'll actually enjoy.
So we'll just sit around quietly?
Sit around?
The guys from Blitka got out yesterday and they're ready to get wild again.
Prague is banned for them, but they'll disguise themselves as Cossacks.
And if the pharmacy across the street is open,
they might even cook something up.
The fireworks are ready on the roof, guaranteed range of 8 kilometers.
And now I'm going to get the present.
Bro, go ahead, but don't slouch.
In case someone feels like bolting again like in Poprad.
Wait, you don't have it in the basement?
The super kept snooping around, so I hid it here.
It has a sticky tongue.
So.
Our bro here has a lot of responsibilities.
And even though some of you, Mamba, don't help much, he manages everything perfectly.
Personally I think he has really only one weakness.
He doesn't know how to let loose.
Bro, seriously, I don't remember a single birthday where you actually had fun.
So I decided to cure you this year.
And buying a present at a store or a washed-up circus performer, any idiot can do that, right?
So, bro!
I personally distilled bro-hovice for you.
So it's not an anteater.
Mamba should have some now, right?
Bro-hovice!
The perfect drink from perfect ingredients.
It's got all the fruit in it.
Bananas, oranges, cucumber, onion, everything.
Hey, after one shot you could play tennis with a chihuahua.
Home Brewing, just like Kaja Marik.
There's still 20 liters in the basement.
So, Ivuska, sorry, it breaks my heart, but not you.
This is just for the men.
And for drunks, so you, Mamba, are welcome.
And without Simonka, this party wouldn't exist at all.
And now me.
So, bro, you're the birthday boy, bottoms up.
I don't want any of this.
I want a quiet evening with a glass of wine.
No explosions, no animals, no Blitka.
Of course, because you haven't had a drink yet.
Drink up!
Absolutely not!
Ozzak drinks first.
Ivuska, it's his birthday right now.
But the one who brewed it always drinks first.
That's true, the guys from Blitka say that too.
Alright then!
Burping anteater.
What's that gentle tickling?
Now let's get this party started.
Bro!
Are you sure it's nothing serious?
It's normal.
He simply took in too much alcohol and to process it all, his body shut down all other functions.
We should have called an ambulance after all.
It's unnecessary.
Ozzak is like Bruno.
He stocked up and now he's sleeping.
Once he uses it all up, he'll wake up again.
And when will that be?
In the morning he'll be right as rain.
And he'll be thirsty.
Hey, let's call the cops that the Cossacks are trying to rob the pharmacy and we'll get rid of Blitka.
No Blitka, I'll call Masturbator.
They're still playing.
I thought they burned to death.
Not Masturbator, Deflorator instead.
Do you realize Ozzak won't give up on this party?
The only thing that comforts me is that if he pours that swill into me, I won't live to see the tenants' meeting.
Auntie, what happened last year with Ozzak's Easter?
Well, he was home with the whipping stick on Good Friday already.
You don't want it, you don't want it.
There's a list of recognized churches on the internet, so before Ozzak wakes up, I could show Lexa what they write about the Adventists of the Eighteenth Birthday.
Alright then.
It's my secret trick.
Ozzak must never find out, understood?
Open up!
Quick!
Mrs. Super!
What a fright, in the dark she looked exactly like a gorilla.
But once he sleeps it off, he'll be right as rain again.
He might just be a little thirsty.
If not, call an ambulance.
And let me know.
I'll be at the airport.
What do we do?
Leave her lying here, she might come in handy.
Ozzak, you animal.
I thought you couldn't top Poprad, but this, this was a masterpiece.
Really?
Bro, so the anteater escaped just now.
Too bad, that was such a nice present from you.
Hey, have you seen my clothes?
Sorry, I was leaving in the dark.
Bye.
Oh God, I feel terrible.
Mamba, what?
You finally experienced a real party.
I sure did.
Those guys from Blitka, man.
We really let loose with them.
Wait a moment.
Something doesn't add up here.
The guys from Blitka partied with you?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Alright, fine, I'll tell you how it really was.
Your friends are a bunch of appalling individuals.
Everyone got horribly drunk here.
Then they brought in a cement mixer and walled me in the bathroom for two hours.
Then they drank all the bro-hovice, ate all the sweets, and finally
stole the steamboat Primator Dytrich and sailed away.
My boys.
They always said you can't throw up from a steamboat.
What?
We even knocked out the super, yeah?
Bro, this was the best party of my life.
And yours too.
I'm going to sleep it off.
You see, Tomas?
We get to clink glasses after all.
So you're still going.
I'm proud of you, bro.
And be careful it doesn't burn your throat.
Hey.
Hi, Ivuska.
Did you know that to officially establish a church you need three hundred signatures?
So?
I have two hundred and ninety-nine.
I doubt there are any more suckers willing to sign up for a bogus church for one lousy beer.
One beer.